Curse you, Faculty Room

Ah... where has the time gone? I decided to spend the last hour looking at old photos of myself instead of going to bed like I should. I looked SO GOOD! I was actually what I would call skinny. I want to be that way so bad.

I thought I was getting back on track and then BAM! "Let's have a holiday sign up for people to bring treats every day til Christmas!" Oh curse you, faculty room.

Brandon and I decided. We will not be eating anything that we didn't bring with us. I HAVE to avoid the junk food. I lost 6 pounds, then gained 3 from Thanksgiving, then lost 2, and then maintained it one week, so I'm not back down to pre-Thanksgiving weight yet.

I HAVE to DO THIS! I want to feel better about myself.

So goal tomorrow: Do not eat anything I did not bring myself.

Just Being Okay

Today while driving home from work at about 9:15 pm I had a thought- "I'm tired." Simple thought, right? We've all had it, but I caught myself for a split second getting anxious and this "grrr.." feeling because of this thought. Then I quickly redirected and thought, "It's okay." It's okay that I was tired and once I acknowledged that the anxious "grrr" feeling went away.

It seems I have not been allowing myself to... FEEL. Like it wasn't "okay" to feel... anything. Especially negative things, or things that I perceive to be negative.

So there's my thought of the day.

I'm digging this website and her story. Read all 3 parts although it's kind of long!
http://www.canyoustayfordinner.com/2011/04/04/my-exercise-history-part-1/

Change of Domain

I changed the title and domain of my blog. Why? Because I've come to realize it's about so much more than counting calories. Whadda ya know? That's the new title! But, seriously, I've been going to therapy for a month now, and have learned that my thinking and other things are relatd to my binge eating. It's not just about self control. It's about figuring out what's really going on.

And I think I'm getting there. It's not easy, though. I have to face things from my past that keep creeping into my thoughts/life, I have to sit with an emotional situation, instead of ignoring it, to really analyze what's going on, although it's extrememly uncomfortable, and I have to be aware of my thinking and how it's causing me to feel/react.

I've learned a lot about myself. One huge thing I've learned, that I'll share today is that I judge my thoughts very harshly. Or I should say, I judge myself for my thoughts. Here's an example: I was driving home from work the other day and I thought "I want a donut from 7-Eleven" (they have really good donuts). Usually, I would then immediately start berrating myself for thinking that. Things like "Are you kidding me? You want a donut, no wonder you're so fat" "You just can't control yourself can you?" "you SHOULDN'T eat that donut, it will just make you fatter" (So I don't know if those are the exact thoughts, but you get the idea.) Those thoughts then make me "realize" what a horrible person I am and I might as well just have that donut, you're fat anyways, you're not good enough to control yourself, etc. And then... I eat the donut...or two (it's 1 for 99 cents or TWO for a dollar. Come on, who wouldn't get two?!)

INSTEAD, the other day I had that thought- "I want a donut from 7-Eleven" I didn't judge the thought-good or bad- I just had the thought, said "hmm" and let it go. It was very interesting to see that I didn't go get a donut. I didn't feel bad for wanting a donut, and I really didn't need the donut.

Of course I wanted a donut! Donuts are delicious! I love donuts, and I'd had a long day at work. Does having that thought make me a bad person? I used to think so. And I'm still working on not thinking that way. But the truth is, most of the things I think define ME as a person, just don't. Wanting a donut, having cravings, that's human. It's okay, and I'm starting to see that.

Checking In

Lost 1.2 pounds this week! Pretty cool. I'm feeling really good and seem to be on a roll. I met my goals last week of exercising 3 times and adding more veggies. I did water aerobics, rode my bike, and walked 1.5 miles in the March of Dimes walk. It felt really good to be more active.

So this week I'm shooting for 3 times exercising and still sticking with the more veggies goal. It's one I struggle with.

How do you get all your veggies in?

al fresco Chicken Sausage

I bought this chicken sausage the other day because it looked yummy, and I've been wanting to try chicken sausage because it's much healthier for you.

It was only 130 calories for one link. It was DELICIOUS! I cut up some red potatoes and onions, baked in the oven for 25 minutes at 400 degrees and then add the sausage for 10 more minutes.

Add some veggies and it was a great meal! I love sausage but it has a lot of fat and calories. And I've tried some turkey sausage and I don't like it as much.

They have other flavors that I can't wait to try!

Water Aerobics... you want me to wear what?

So I did water aerobics a few years ago but I was at my thinnest, and actually didn't wear shorts with my swimming suit.

A friend of mine has a Plus One pass to a gym so she's taking me to water aerobics! I was so excited because I remembered how much I like it, and I don't have the money for a gym pass right now.

The only problem- I have to wear a swimming suit.

I didn't have one so I tried some on yesterday at the store. I almost started sobbing in the dressing room. Literally. I think I gasped too. BUT I perserved and found a very comfortable one that won't fall down when I'm jumping in the water. I also got- wait for it- men's swimming trunks. Women's ones are NOT long enough, and I'm just really embarrased about my legs.

So as humiliating as that was, I am still excited to do water aerobics. It will be a great exercise to re-start with. Not too hard on my joints, especially since I haven't exercised in a long while.

Oh, and remember last time I tried on clothes and was tired and stressed? (See HERE) Instead of eating, like I wanted to I had a big glass of water and went to bed. I had already had my 1200 for the day and that's how it was gonna stay. My plan definitely helped! And I REALLY want to reach 10 pounds lost this week. It's been evading me for weeks now (okay, some of those weeks were bad planning and undertaking on my part). But I'm sick of it! So, this is the week.

My goals this week are to work out 3 times and get more vegetables. More on that later.

Have a fabulous Tuesday!

Weigh-In Day, Emotional Eating, and My Plan

See my Current Stats page for my updated stats!

So I joined a Biggest Loser group that my friend set up. There are 40 members, all of who pitched in $25. If you lose 8% of your weight by July 7th she rips the check up. If you don't, the money goes to the Biggest Loser (the person with the greatest percentage of weight loss).

I started losing weight 5 weeks before this started. The first week the competition started was actually the first week I gained weight since March 19th. Yeah, bad timing. This is the second week of the competition and the good news is... I've lost the 2.6 I gained plus .4 more lost.

It's easy to get frustrated. But you're never going to lose weight if you don't keep at it.

Yesterday I overate for dinner. I wouldn't call it a binge, but I was more full than I usually am and I didn't count calories. I started seeing a therapist last week and she told me to notice what I was feeling when I started to overeat or binge. So I tried, but it was really hard to tell what I was feeling and why I was doing it.

I thought of a few things:
*I was famished. I had lunch at 12:30 and had nothing to eat since. I got home around 6 I think. That's way too long to not eat anything. One of my points under "How I'm Doing It" page is to eat every 3 hours. If I don't follow that, I get too hungry, eat too much, and don't feel well
* I had a headache, didn't feel good
* I was tired, it had been a long day
* I was stressed about a family problem
* I had tried on some shirts and none looked good and I felt depressed and frustrated about that.

I thought of something this morning though. I have to learn to deal with that. Yes, I can do everything in my power to prevent this (making sure I have food every 3 hours, planning for my day...) but there's some things I can't control. So, what am I going to do when that happens? What if I didn't have time to plan? What am I going to do about it? How will I react when this happens again? When I forget to bring food, I am famished, tired, headache, stressed...? It's bound to happen. So I need a plan.

Recognizing weight loss isn't going to be perfect is huge. Learning how to deal with my emotional eating in different situations is important.

Next time I will think about this post that I wrote.  I will look at myself objectively- (are you tired? head hurts? starving? stressed?) Once I recognize what's going on I can say to myself, "Hey, you're really tired. That doesn't mean you need lots of food. It means you need sleep. Go take a bath, go to bed early, something that is not food related that will help alleviate the problem."

This is my plan. I'll report how it works out!

One more thing. I used to overeat or binge almost every day. So having one day a week where it happens is definitely improvement. Gotta celebrate all successes!

More Snack Ideas

Found this post about some more snack ideas:
http://www.fitsugar.com/Low-Calorie-Post-Workout-Snacks-22495902?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+fitsugar+%28FitSugar+-+Healthy%2C+happy+you.%29

I also can't believe I forgot to add this one- 94% Fat Free Popcorn! I love popcorn, and it's such a filling snack. Although the 100 calorie packs are more expensive, it's worth the convenience for me!

Any great snack ideas you want to share?

Snacking

Today I did really well with  my eating. I've been pretty good all week, but today I was really mindful of what I ate. I did especially well with my snacking.

I used to think of snacks as "treats". Candy, chips, junk food items. Now I treat snacks as something filling and healthy, about 100-200 calories, with the purpose of keeping my blood sugar normal. It also is to help me fend off hunger. When I don't eat every few hours I feel really sick. And I eat a lot more at my next meal.

Most of the time my snacks are fruit. Apples, bananas, oranges... they are portable and filling.

Today I had to stop at the grocery store after work, It was already 7 and I hadn't had dinner yet. On the way home I was really hungry. I had "splurged" and bought Goldfish crackers. I haven't had them in a long time and I love them!

Now, this is the kind of snack that I could eat the whole bag in one sitting! But, instead I looked at the serving size. 55 fishies for 140 calories, And that was all I was going to have.

So I counted them. Instead of shoving a whole handful in my mouth I ate one or two at a time and counted them. When I got to 10 crackers eaten I thought, you're about 1/5 of the way through your serving. At halfway I thought, wow that lasted a lot longer than I thought. I get to eat that same amount again. I enojyed the control I had, and I enjoyed the food much more!

Now, I think of this as more of an indulgent snack. A serving of goldfish probably won't keep me as full as fruits or vegetables, but I think it's okay sometimes.

Another thing I've learned about snacking is to expand my view.

I like these snacks:

Soup!- 140 calories I don't like all Progresso Light Soups. In fact, I think several have a bad aftertaste. But I love this one! Chicken Vegetable Rotini. Only 140 calories per CAN. It's a great light meal to compensate for heavy meals, or have a cup or two as a snack! Very filling.
Half a sandwich- about 150 calories depending on how you make it.
Cheese Quesadilla -150 calories. I buy delicious tortillas that are only 50 calories, add an oz. of cheese (100 calories) and have a great snack! It's also great with bell peppers.
Laughing Cow Original Swiss wedge with whole grain Ritz crackers. 130 calories. A serving of crackers is not filling enough to tie me over to my next meal. But eating it with the cheese is perfect. 7 crackers is 100 calories and the cheese wedge is 30.

What does it take?

Okay, I'm going to admit it. I "gained" 2.6 pounds. I put that in quotations because I'm on my period and have been extremely bloated, more than normal. BUT I also did not track my calories well this week, and ate out without choosing healthy options. I can't blame it all on the bloating. Although I think it influenced my weight this week, I also need to take responsibility for my actions.

I'm really disappointed in myself. This is the first time in 6 weeks that I've gained. I've been losing or staying the same. So I have a choice. A turning point. What am I going to do about it?

Well, here's the plan. Start doing the things I know I need to be doing to lose weight. Oh, it sounds so much easier than it is sometimes.

Here's the thing- I know how to lose weight. I know how to lose weight in a healthy way. I've done it years ago and I've done it the last month.

I truly believe, actually KNOW, that if I eat less calories than my body needs to function, I will lose weight. I believe it because I've seen it work, and because of the science behind it.

Today I'm hanging out with one of my sisters and mom. We're getting pedicures and going to lunch. Fun! Is it possible to watch your calories when eating out? I believe the answer is yes.

But believing that is more complicated. In my mind it requires a few things. First, it requires me to believe that there are restaurants or even fast food places that offer healthy choices. It also means recognizing there will be many unhealthy choices. It's knowing the difference.

Second, it requires me to believe in my own self control and determination to actually make the healthy choice. I have to believe I am capable of choosing a good meal, determining the calories, and marking it in my tracker.

Am I actually capable of it? YES. Will how difficult it is flucuate by my mood and hormones? YES. Can I still do it even if it's hard? YES! YES! YES! I can do it. If I don't believe that, I've got nothing.

I'm excited for a new week! Going to buy rollerblades today, can't wait to get back out there!

New Beginnings

I have had a weight loss blog in the past. I lost 34 pounds. I also have a private blog that I wrote a few posts in about my struggle with bulimia last year. I read those posts tonight and couldn't believe what a dark place I was in.

I have gained back those 34 pounds and more *cringe*. I can't remember the last time I threw up on purpose. And I need to distance myself from that.

This is a new beginning.

I have made numerous "attempts" in the last year to lose weight. I would be good for a few days, maybe even a week or two, then I would be back to old habits. I say "attempts" because I'm not sure how hard I was really trying.

This last stint has lasted 5 weeks. I have lost 9 pounds. Trust me, I've not been perfect. But I have hope. I haven't had a streak this good in...years?

Here's how I've lost 9 pounds. I track calories. Yep. That's pretty much it. Sounds simple right? And it mostly is. I will be posting later on the struggles I've had and overcome over the last month or so.

I shoot for 1200 calories a day. I have an awesome booklet my boyfriend made me that helps me keep track. I haven't added in exercise yet, but hope to soon.

I'm actually very excited to share my weight loss journey!

Thanks for tuning in!