Sunday, June 10, 2012

Change of Domain

I changed the title and domain of my blog. Why? Because I've come to realize it's about so much more than counting calories. Whadda ya know? That's the new title! But, seriously, I've been going to therapy for a month now, and have learned that my thinking and other things are relatd to my binge eating. It's not just about self control. It's about figuring out what's really going on.

And I think I'm getting there. It's not easy, though. I have to face things from my past that keep creeping into my thoughts/life, I have to sit with an emotional situation, instead of ignoring it, to really analyze what's going on, although it's extrememly uncomfortable, and I have to be aware of my thinking and how it's causing me to feel/react.

I've learned a lot about myself. One huge thing I've learned, that I'll share today is that I judge my thoughts very harshly. Or I should say, I judge myself for my thoughts. Here's an example: I was driving home from work the other day and I thought "I want a donut from 7-Eleven" (they have really good donuts). Usually, I would then immediately start berrating myself for thinking that. Things like "Are you kidding me? You want a donut, no wonder you're so fat" "You just can't control yourself can you?" "you SHOULDN'T eat that donut, it will just make you fatter" (So I don't know if those are the exact thoughts, but you get the idea.) Those thoughts then make me "realize" what a horrible person I am and I might as well just have that donut, you're fat anyways, you're not good enough to control yourself, etc. And then... I eat the donut...or two (it's 1 for 99 cents or TWO for a dollar. Come on, who wouldn't get two?!)

INSTEAD, the other day I had that thought- "I want a donut from 7-Eleven" I didn't judge the thought-good or bad- I just had the thought, said "hmm" and let it go. It was very interesting to see that I didn't go get a donut. I didn't feel bad for wanting a donut, and I really didn't need the donut.

Of course I wanted a donut! Donuts are delicious! I love donuts, and I'd had a long day at work. Does having that thought make me a bad person? I used to think so. And I'm still working on not thinking that way. But the truth is, most of the things I think define ME as a person, just don't. Wanting a donut, having cravings, that's human. It's okay, and I'm starting to see that.

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